You are going about your business doing something you do quite often. It’s normal to you with no problems around the topic or action. But one day there is a new person involved in this routine you have for yourself. They see you doing your thing and make a comment. You respond and continue your routine.
Their comment is based on their understanding of the world. Their experience, education and what they know to be true for themselves. They may be in a different age range, sex, athletic ability, nutrient need etc. Their comment is coming from that place. From what other people told them to be true. And from there they form their opinion, then operate from that to tell others.
But in the split second after their comment and your response…something happens. There’s a question “am I wrong?” “is there any truth to what this person just said?” Is this relevant for me? If you don’t catch this fleeting moment, you have the seed planted for a potential new belief. An internal dialogue begins based on this comment and response. But what do you do about it? The next time this routine occurs you do your normal steps, but this time you pause and think about that comment. This time you make a small modification to your routine because somehow you’ve made yourself wrong for your previous actions. Now you’re in your head about what used to seem normal. There’s an element of shame, doubt, insecurity and possibly even fear surrounding what used to be an effortless and normal activity. No one told you to feel these things, they just sorta popped up.
The ego is now involved and wants to protect you. It may say “just do this because it’s safer/better/more complaint.” It may justify the changed action because that feels like the right thing to do. But there’s a part of you that is now in the background possibly being disregarded because of this comment. This internalized comment from a person who has no clue or insight into your reasoning to have this routine.
For most of my childhood a few specific people commented on my food habits. I had things I liked but couldn’t have them often so when I had the opportunity to consume them, I did and I did it with joy. You know the dopamine hit you experience with a favorite food? That’s what I’m talking about! The comfort and eventual nostalgia that occurs as a result of those moments.
“You’re eating more?!”
“You’re still eating?!”
“We know what she/he is going to have!”
So when someone comments on the fact that you’re doing something that feels good to you and they express judgment or even displeasure, what do you do? As a child? As an adult? What do you do when someone questions from their perspective of truth disregarding your truth? Who seemingly interjects an innocent question about your action.
As a child you start to question your likes and dislikes. You get to the point where you look at your body a different way because someone else got in your head. It could be a friend, family member, doctor or someone else. Everything was fine until this person came along with this stupid comment. We develop unhealthy relationships with ourselves and others because the layers of questions, doubts, fears that begin to form from interactions like this. And here’s the thing, it doesn’t have to be a direct one to one interaction, it could be overhearing a comment or a conversation which then triggers something in you. But that seed has been planted. Over the years more seeds get planted and you lose track of where it started and who you are underneath. I know this is what I did, what about you?
In some circles you’ll hear this called a projection. When someone drops their perspective on you in a judgmental way (whether they mean it in a harmful way or not) to convince you of a right or wrong way to do or think about something. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a comment, question or observation; the projection can come in any form but it serves the same purpose. Are you going to eat ALL of that?! You can only do it this way! You’re going to do that by yourself?! You should’ve done it a different way. All of these are projections someone can throw your way. There’s a judgmental tone in them to convince you of your wrongness (and potentially their rightness).
Although this recent comment came to me as an adult from another adult, I had the same feeling as I did as a child who loved her favorite foods, only less of a sting. I knew the energy behind the comment because I’d felt it many times before. It had the essence of concern, curiosity, judgment and slight humor. It wasn’t meant to change my behavior, but note that the person saw what I was doing and didn’t approve. But the difference this time was knowing the person’s words had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. I knew there was something in me that reacted ever so slightly, but now I have tools to feel and see it.
I’m grateful for that.
I can forgive the person and all of the people who have made comments and judgments over the years. Most importantly, I can forgive myself for not knowing any better than to absorb these projections. And show some love to the little version of me who had to endure because she didn’t know it was possible to do anything else.
There are a variety of reasons for doing the things we do, but are we aware of where our beliefs and patterns come from? And if we are aware, do we feel good about them? Do they align with our values and personal truth? What are we willing to do to develop new ones that match who we really are? Once we start asking these questions, we are ready to snap out of the program. We are ready to evaluate a belief and then change our attitude and behavior around it. This is the process. This is the journey. And we are all on our own at varying points of exploration to be the best versions of ourselves. To be free from the influence comments, observations, projections, programs and so many other things that don’t serve us.
Reflecting on our beliefs and their origin can be tricky. Sometimes there are layers and blindspots or questions we don’t know to ask as we unwind these things. If you’d like some help unwinding and rewiring some of your beliefs I’d love to help! Send me a message at hello@shannonnsmith.com or schedule time for a chat to get started.